Failed Daughter

The ancient folklore taught us that men are hunters and providers, whereas women are child-bearers and homemakers. Seldom did women get enough credit for everything they did for ‘man’kind. They were not treated well and the world functioned that way because it did not know better. Over the course of time, women held countless protests against the ill treatment and tried to get the place they deserved in the society. Although, it is only now that women have finally gotten the basic modicum of respect(excluding those women living in some parts of the country where they are still not treated the way they should be).

When I talk about men treating me a certain way(not in a good way) to my friends, some of them jump into conclusions, assuming that I am bashing the whole male community(which I might have in the past, I will not deny, but now I know better and I have grown from those mistakes). I also agree that all men are not all bad, some of the lot are really good, and not all women are good too. But I personally think it is wrong to compare men and women like that, considering the fact that men have always been privileged. Although, thankfully I have enough guy friends who understand what we women go through and they are as progressive as they can get.

My family on the other hand, is different, and an orthodox one at that. My parents find it hard to accept the fact that women can do as they please and it is okay if their lives are not bound by their men(fathers, brothers, sons). I don't think it’s their fault since their parents and grandparents were the same(or even worse). I know for a fact that no matter how many articles I write, no matter how well I explain these things to them, they will not change and rightfully so, as it’s a process and it’s only fair to give them enough time to adapt to new ways of life. But it is also excruciatingly hard and painful to live like this, to be told what to wear/not to wear, where to go/not to go, how to sit/not to sit, to enjoy my life only after I get married, to stay ‘pure’ till I get married, and whatnot. I know it’s hard to change your ways suddenly, but being stuck with the old ones will also not get us anywhere.

I have an elder brother and he is the most important person in my life. He was the reason for my profound love for physics and mathematics, it was his book that I ever first read, he was my first friend, and it’s him who I always listen to and obey, more than my parents. I want him to know about every single intricate detail of my life, but I cannot afford that because he is also very over-protective and possessive about me and a very hard person to deal with, which I still sometimes understand because he has practically raised me and I am his baby sister. I will admit that he understands my struggles in a few situations, but I don’t think he can ever fully relate to what I go through and understand how I am being treated at home v/s how he is being treated at home.

I am not misrepresenting my family, please do not get me wrong. They are the most loving and caring people I have ever seen and nobody can replace the place they hold in my heart. But that’s the thing. That is where the hardest thing comes into play. They are also the ones who hurt me the most. And they don’t even realize it. To watch them love me to a level nobody ever reached before and then to hurt me, it’s hard. Whoever said “People who love you the most often tend to hurt you the most”, has got it right. I feel sad about the fact that I don’t fully resonate with them, I don’t have the ability to make them understand my point of views regarding certain things. To avoid going home so that my mental health stays sane? To not be sad enough about missing my first foreign trip with family so that I can’t really enjoy the way I want to?

I want them to know about this but I don’t want them to realize this at the same time because it will break their heart and I cannot see them like that. I’m torn between wanting to take care of my mental health and wanting to spend as much time as possible with them before it’s too late. As painful and sad as it sounds, I feel guilty for living my life on my terms, for taking control, and for making decisions for myself. As painful and sad as it sounds, I feel like I failed as a daughter.