NO. I Don’t Feel Home, At Home
Your home is your sanctuary. It is the place where you have absolute control over any circumstances and situations that you know you can handle, the place where you have the freedom to do anything you want to or wear anything you like or be however you want to be, whoever you want to be with. And surprisingly enough, your 'home' doesn’t necessarily have to be the house you grew up in or the one that you’re currently residing at. Technically it is, but it is also a lot more than that.
I for one, am very attached to the house I was born and brought up in, since I have too many memories in it. Or to be more precise, it reminds me of the times, the struggles and the kind of relationship I had with the people in my life, back at the time. It is happening right now as we speak(or rather, as I write), my brain is winding down to that very same cozy, decent, modest house which was never really enough because of its small space but gave me memories and stories worth a thousand lifetimes.
I still remember how simpler those times used to be(at least for me), how the only worry I had was that of my play timings and whether or not my mom let me play for an extra hour(or two). Unlike now, when adulting is hitting hard and all I can think of are, ways to just survive without causing anyone a problem. Unlike now, when I don’t feel home at my house, how it is absolutely suffocating and taxing for me to even put up with the people I once thought were my permanent home. Unlike now, when the people closest to me are my bestfriends and I cannot even begin to imagine how my life would’ve been otherwise.
Like I mentioned before, home is a subjective term and you can use it however you want to, but regardless, it is important for you to feel at home because otherwise there will be a void in your life which can only be filled with peace and self security(that you get by feeling at home).
Before I stop making sense, and the title and content of this story become mutually exclusive, allow me to come to the point.
Lockdown has changed my life and it has been one hell of a journey, in both good and bad ways. The more I matured emotionally and mentally, the more I learnt to unlearn. And eventually when everything made sense, I was left with a feeling of despair as I realised, not everything around me is as functional as it always seemed to be. Although, the lockdowns(COVID-19) still seemed to be okay since I was occupied with my health(physical health because that’s the only type of health I knew of, at the time). It is only quite recently that I’ve realised, I have issues. With the people I love the most in the whole wide world.
I was baffled beyond sense when I first realised the same, since it was a new, foreign and unwanted feeling that I’d like to run away from as soon as possible. And at the time, I was all about running away and not wanting to deal with them because I craved peace and chose not to shake things up instead.
I guess that’s where I went wrong. That momentary satisfaction or peace. Instant gratification might feel good and sadly, it might get dangerously addictive. But it’s important to know that that’s not really an efficient solution to the problem at hand. As easy as it might seem to say it out loud, confrontation is good practice.
And this might seem redundant, but I’d like to take the pleasure of mentioning it here that, your feelings are justified. Everything you feel, the angst, the pain, the sadness, the anger, it’s all valid, and you will find your people; who you resonate with, who you feel at home with, who you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with. All it takes is a little push, a leap(or two) of faith. Baby steps. I’m here. We all are. You’ve got this.
