To, The one that got away
Do you remember how I would always put a chair in our front porch and wait for you to arrive from your college? I wanted to sit with you, have breakfast and relish the only moments I would sadly get to spend with you before you had to take our leave again because of your classes. And do you remember how I would bawl my eyes out THREE/FOUR DAYS BEFORE you would leave? Back in the day, we never fought, since you would always be the mature one and stop the fight from happening (talk about elder sibling responsibilities). And for me, you were above everyone else, playing cricket with me (you always let me bat first because otherwise I would throw tantrums), teaching me how to ride a bicycle, helping me study, and so on (the list does not really end there). I would always fight with mom that she loved you more than me, and you would just laugh it off. But I remember how you would take care of me, like I was this precious little thing who needed protecting. Basically, you were my hero.
You were the exhibit A of the house, the perfect son, the one that always offered to help others and was always ready for the sacrifice. You did everything our parents asked you to do regardless of what your dreams were or how you felt because you knew no other way. Nevertheless, you worked really hard towards your dreams and achieved everything you ever dreamt of, including the present times when you are still the same hard-working boy of the house. It’s safe to say that your hustle game is still strong. Things have panned out really well for you and everything is going perfectly, in your life. I’m proud and how. I have always been your fangirl forever, of everything that you have done in life. I knew about bikes because of you, I knew about cricket because of you, I fell in love with Physics because of you. I have always been in awe of you, and you did not even have to do anything, you just existed, and I was already a fan. You were a perfect big brother to me, until you weren’t the one any more.
We grew up. However, you still regarded me as your baby sister, something that I considered, a pain most of the time, but secretly looked forward to it. Although, have you ever, the least bit, wondered why I came to you for your support when I needed it the most? My struggles were running short of breath, so the first person to turn to, for help, was obviously you. I came to you, not because I was entitled to your love, but because that was the time, I needed you the most. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for whatever help you provided, that you thought you seemed fit. But did you ever go back and think if it was enough?
Because I did. I still do. And it wasn’t. It wasn’t enough, and it turned my life upside down (upside down being a rather shameful understatement, which I know you’re aware of). It is a bit late for the blame game, but the grief has bared its roots, and it is proving to be far too tenacious for me to fight it off. I cannot seem to put a finger on where it propelled, where the switch went off, and things changed between us, but I can feel it that they have. While some of them have changed for the better, the rest of them, however, failed to make a claim in my good books. And those are the ones that seem to be quite heartbreaking. We don’t sit and talk, no, I know we don’t share that camaraderie. But there have been a few fleeting moments where we have sat down and had conversations, the ones that I clutch so tightly to my heart, that I am afraid they’ll slip away from my handgrip.
Good times with you seem gut-wrenchingly beautiful, while the bad times with you seem equally heartbreaking. I’m not a relationship police, and I certainly don’t want to sound all mature and intelligent (although I am, hehe), but I know it’s not supposed to feel like this. Did I just describe a toxic relationship (cringed inwardly)? I know you love me. And I know you’d rather let your actions prove it to me than say it, out loud, to me. But what if those actions aren’t enough? Or they are, but they aren’t proving to be favourable for me? I am not questioning your love(I’d rather cease to exist than do that), but is it too expensive of me to ask you to give me the right kind of love? If it is, then I’m sorry (for you and me both).
